the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
