Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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