Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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