i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
