Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
