I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
