if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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