I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
