If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
