don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
