got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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