I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
