got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
