if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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