If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
