Will you blow on my dice?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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