Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
