Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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