If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
