Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
