I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
