I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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