I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
