just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
