Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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