What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
