I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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