I wish I could teleport
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
