tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
