The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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