He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
