also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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