Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
