ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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