Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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