When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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