I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
