Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
