Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
