I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
