Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
