his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
