got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
