I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
