last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
