I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
