whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
