My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
