I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
