I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
