Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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